禪七心旅 |
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今年不是我第一次打禪七，所以我想禪七應該只是我學佛旅程中的一個點而已。今年四月，我在海天禪寺參加半日禪，也是學佛旅程的另一個點。把這些點連接起來的，是我在海天禪寺上的課程及禪修練習，以及向住持法師請法的收穫。 禪七一開始，就有很多挑戰。其中一個是打坐時身體上的不適。最近我才開始能坐單盤。雖然曾學過五年的瑜伽，但打坐時身體仍感到不舒服，這讓我很容易心煩意亂。另外，我心理上也有一個習氣會造成打坐時的困擾。我的工作需要和別人談話，每次大約一小時，所以心中已經有一個心理時鐘，只要差不多一小時到了，我就知道了。不用看錶，我大概知道過了四十到五十分鐘。每到這時候，我就起心動念準備想要結束。當然，這也差不多是打坐一支香的時間。 還有，我發現只要早上一起床，就開始計劃一整天的行程。所以早上那幾支香，我心中會一直重覆計劃和演練當天要做的事，要很努力地去對抗那些妄想。而一整個晚上，我對我住處附近出現的聲音和味道非常敏感。會想：我聽到的聲音是因為風把樹枝吹的吱吱做響嗎？還是有人翻牆闖入我的住處？或是有一群狗對著其他的貓狗還是小偷在狂吠？我聞到的是不是瓦斯漏氣的味道，還是電器燒掉的味道？我聽到有動的聲音，這是房子因為氣溫變化而發出的聲音，還是小孩驚醒在動的聲音？打坐時要去除這些妄想雜念實在非常困難。 有一次我有很大的突破，住持法師告訴我「心性是空」──沒有名相、沒有屬性、沒有比較、沒有分別、沒有界限……等等，因為這些都會造成執著。聽了這些空性、菩提心及執著的觀念，比較知道要怎麼去體會「空性」及「不執著」。而《佛說四十二章經》中提到的「念無念念」，也對我很有幫助。當我對「空性」或菩提心的體會比較清楚時，又出現另一個困難。我會起個念頭，想要去或設法去讓自己體會空性。當主七和尚告訴我們：「你打坐不是要去求安靜、求平靜、求減少壓力、求放鬆，你的心是要安住在空性上。」於是我這次打七更為專注，這是以前所沒有的經驗。 在整個禪七中，我一心一意試著安住在不打妄想的這念心。甚至連在禪堂外、走回寮房的路上、用齋時，還有每一支香的休息時間也是如此。 在這裡，我要向禪七的監香法師問訊致敬。監香法師很辛苦，我看到有些法師們努力保持清醒，甚至連休息時間也雙盤打坐，等著下一支香開始。我只能猜測，法師們在監完一整天的香，接著再規劃明天的行程，等到可以去休息時都不知道幾點了。我也很感恩他們巡香時，都想盡辦法放輕腳步，也不讓長衫發出聲音。在此我也要向過堂的義工菩薩問訊致敬──他們多半都很年輕，有些還是青少年。同樣地，我也要向翻譯的法師們問訊致敬。 禪七的學習過程，可以說是結合打坐觀行及對空性教理的理解。有時候，觀行幫助我了解空性的道理。有時候，我從法師開示及經典學到的空性教理，幫助我的觀行有所進步。我也向自己承諾，一定要努力修觀行，才能悟到空性或菩提心，也就是悟到我的真心本性。 之前，有人告訴我有關禪宗的諺語：「山外有山。」我肯定是遇到很多山了，而且在跨越這些山的過程我也很法喜。但我知道即使我已經坐在山峰上了，一定還有其他的山峰會出現。上週日，我們誦讀《佛說四十二章經》時，突然有一句話跳出來：「既發菩提心，無修無證難。」 啊！是的，又一座山出現了。 我的學佛旅程還繼續著。 (My Reflections of the Chan-7 Retreat Since this year’s 7-day retreat in Chung Tai was not my first, I feel it would be better to view my time there as only one point in my Buddhist journey. When I joined the half-day retreat at Ocean Sky in April, which would be another point in the journey. Connecting all these points are the classes and meditation sessions which I attended at Ocean Sky. My reward from brief chats with the Abbess is another part of this journey. There were many challenges at the start. One of the first challenges was the physical aspect of sitting meditation. It was only recently that I could sit in half-lotus. Five years of ashtanga yoga was not enough to prepare me to sit without feeling discomfort that was strongly distracting. My mental habits presented another challenge. Since my work involves talking to people for about an hour, I’ve developed an internal clock that tells me when the hour is coming to a close. Without looking at my watch, I can tell that the talk session has lasted for about 40-45 minutes, which means I should begin to wrap up the session—which is of course how long a meditation session lasts. I also realized that as soon as I wake up, I begin to plan my whole day. My early morning meditation sessions were struggles to stop myself from planning my day’s events. My mind is also constantly replaying events or rehearsing events. All night long, I am sensitive to the sounds and smells around the house: Is a creaking that I hear just a branch blown by the wind or is it an intruder climbing our fence; Are the dogs barking at another dog or a cat or a possible burglar; Do I smell a leaking gas stove or an overheated electrical appliance; Is the movement I hear the reaction of the house to the change in temperature or has one of the children awakened. Turning off this sensitivity during a meditation session was difficult. A quantum leap came when Abbess told me what the “empty mind” is: no labels, no categories, no comparisons, no distinctions, no boundaries, etc. These give rise to attachments. These concepts of emptiness, the Bodhi mind and attachment prepared me for the experience of “emptiness” and “no attachment.” I was helped by The Sutra of Forty-two Chapters which says: Be mindful of no-mind. When I became more familiar with the experience of “emptiness” or the Bodhi mind, the challenge became to intend or will myself to experience emptiness. When the Abbot of Chung Tai told us that “you do not meditate to be calm, at peace, be less stressed, or be relaxed, but to be in your empty mind,” my meditation sessions acquired a focus which was not there before. The last Chan-7 I attended was filled with my attempts to sustain my experience of the empty mind, let go of delusions, even outside the Chan Hall: the walk from the dormitory to the Chan Hall, during mealtimes, during breaks after each session. At this point, I must make a half-bow to pay respect to all the Guiding Shifus at the Chan-7 retreats. It was not an easy task for them. I saw that some of them struggled to stay awake even as they sat in full lotus waiting for a meditation session to begin. I could only guess what time they were able to rest after reviewing the sessions of the past day and planning the sessions for the next day. I appreciated the way they moved about with the least sound with their feet and their robes as they watched over the participants. A half-bow also to the volunteers during mealtime—most of them were young, and some were in their early teens, the same appreciation also for the interpreters. The journey has been joint contributions from my practice of sitting meditation and my understanding of the empty mind. Sometimes my practice improves my understanding of the empty mind; sometimes my understanding from Dharma talks and sutra readings helps me improve my practice. I have also promised myself that I will work toward improving my practice so that it can develop into the realization that “the empty mind or Bodhi mind is my true, original nature.” Sometime ago, someone told me about a Zen saying which goes: “Beyond the mountains, mountains.” I have encountered many mountains. I have enjoyed conquering them. But I know that even as I sit on a mountain peak, other peaks will appear. Last Sunday, as we were chanting The Sutra of Forty-two Chapters, a phrase leaped out from the page: “Even with the Bodhi mind, it is difficult to realize non-cultivation and non-attainment.” Ah, yes. Another mountain. My journey continues.
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