禅七心旅 |
|
|
今年不是我第一次打禅七，所以我想禅七应该只是我学佛旅程中的一个点而已。今年四月，我在海天禅寺参加半日禅，也是学佛旅程的另一个点。把这些点连接起来的，是我在海天禅寺上的课程及禅修练习，以及向住持法师请法的收获。 禅七一开始，就有很多挑战。其中一个是打坐时身体上的不适。最近我才开始能坐单盘。虽然曾学过五年的瑜伽，但打坐时身体仍感到不舒服，这让我很容易心烦意乱。另外，我心理上也有一个习气会造成打坐时的困扰。我的工作需要和别人谈话，每次大约一小时，所以心中已经有一个心理时钟，只要差不多一小时到了，我就知道了。不用看表，我大概知道过了四十到五十分钟。每到这时候，我就起心动念准备想要结束。当然，这也差不多是打坐一支香的时间。 还有，我发现只要早上一起床，就开始计划一整天的行程。所以早上那几支香，我心中会一直重覆计划和演练当天要做的事，要很努力地去对抗那些妄想。而一整个晚上，我对我住处附近出现的声音和味道非常敏感。会想：我听到的声音是因为风把树枝吹的吱吱做响吗？还是有人翻墙闯入我的住处？或是有一群狗对着其他的猫狗还是小偷在狂吠？我闻到的是不是瓦斯漏气的味道，还是电器烧掉的味道？我听到有动的声音，这是房子因为气温变化而发出的声音，还是小孩惊醒在动的声音？打坐时要去除这些妄想杂念实在非常困难。 有一次我有很大的突破，住持法师告诉我「心性是空」──没有名相、没有属性、没有比较、没有分别、没有界限……等等，因为这些都会造成执着。听了这些空性、菩提心及执着的观念，比较知道要怎么去体会「空性」及「不执着」。而《佛说四十二章经》中提到的「念无念念」，也对我很有帮助。当我对「空性」或菩提心的体会比较清楚时，又出现另一个困难。我会起个念头，想要去或设法去让自己体会空性。当主七和尚告诉我们：「你打坐不是要去求安静、求平静、求减少压力、求放松，你的心是要安住在空性上。」于是我这次打七更为专注，这是以前所没有的经验。 在整个禅七中，我一心一意试着安住在不打妄想的这念心。甚至连在禅堂外、走回寮房的路上、用斋时，还有每一支香的休息时间也是如此。 在这里，我要向禅七的监香法师问讯致敬。监香法师很辛苦，我看到有些法师们努力保持清醒，甚至连休息时间也双盘打坐，等着下一支香开始。我只能猜测，法师们在监完一整天的香，接着再规划明天的行程，等到可以去休息时都不知道几点了。我也很感恩他们巡香时，都想尽办法放轻脚步，也不让长衫发出声音。在此我也要向过堂的义工菩萨问讯致敬──他们多半都很年轻，有些还是青少年。同样地，我也要向翻译的法师们问讯致敬。 禅七的学习过程，可以说是结合打坐观行及对空性教理的理解。有时候，观行帮助我了解空性的道理。有时候，我从法师开示及经典学到的空性教理，帮助我的观行有所进步。我也向自己承诺，一定要努力修观行，才能悟到空性或菩提心，也就是悟到我的真心本性。 之前，有人告诉我有关禅宗的谚语：「山外有山。」我肯定是遇到很多山了，而且在跨越这些山的过程我也很法喜。但我知道即使我已经坐在山峰上了，一定还有其他的山峰会出现。上周日，我们诵读《佛说四十二章经》时，突然有一句话跳出来：「既发菩提心，无修无证难。」 啊！是的，又一座山出现了。 我的学佛旅程还继续着。 (My Reflections of the Chan-7 Retreat Since this year’s 7-day retreat in Chung Tai was not my first, I feel it would be better to view my time there as only one point in my Buddhist journey. When I joined the half-day retreat at Ocean Sky in April, which would be another point in the journey. Connecting all these points are the classes and meditation sessions which I attended at Ocean Sky. My reward from brief chats with the Abbess is another part of this journey. There were many challenges at the start. One of the first challenges was the physical aspect of sitting meditation. It was only recently that I could sit in half-lotus. Five years of ashtanga yoga was not enough to prepare me to sit without feeling discomfort that was strongly distracting. My mental habits presented another challenge. Since my work involves talking to people for about an hour, I’ve developed an internal clock that tells me when the hour is coming to a close. Without looking at my watch, I can tell that the talk session has lasted for about 40-45 minutes, which means I should begin to wrap up the session—which is of course how long a meditation session lasts. I also realized that as soon as I wake up, I begin to plan my whole day. My early morning meditation sessions were struggles to stop myself from planning my day’s events. My mind is also constantly replaying events or rehearsing events. All night long, I am sensitive to the sounds and smells around the house: Is a creaking that I hear just a branch blown by the wind or is it an intruder climbing our fence; Are the dogs barking at another dog or a cat or a possible burglar; Do I smell a leaking gas stove or an overheated electrical appliance; Is the movement I hear the reaction of the house to the change in temperature or has one of the children awakened. Turning off this sensitivity during a meditation session was difficult. A quantum leap came when Abbess told me what the “empty mind” is: no labels, no categories, no comparisons, no distinctions, no boundaries, etc. These give rise to attachments. These concepts of emptiness, the Bodhi mind and attachment prepared me for the experience of “emptiness” and “no attachment.” I was helped by The Sutra of Forty-two Chapters which says: Be mindful of no-mind. When I became more familiar with the experience of “emptiness” or the Bodhi mind, the challenge became to intend or will myself to experience emptiness. When the Abbot of Chung Tai told us that “you do not meditate to be calm, at peace, be less stressed, or be relaxed, but to be in your empty mind,” my meditation sessions acquired a focus which was not there before. The last Chan-7 I attended was filled with my attempts to sustain my experience of the empty mind, let go of delusions, even outside the Chan Hall: the walk from the dormitory to the Chan Hall, during mealtimes, during breaks after each session. At this point, I must make a half-bow to pay respect to all the Guiding Shifus at the Chan-7 retreats. It was not an easy task for them. I saw that some of them struggled to stay awake even as they sat in full lotus waiting for a meditation session to begin. I could only guess what time they were able to rest after reviewing the sessions of the past day and planning the sessions for the next day. I appreciated the way they moved about with the least sound with their feet and their robes as they watched over the participants. A half-bow also to the volunteers during mealtime—most of them were young, and some were in their early teens, the same appreciation also for the interpreters. The journey has been joint contributions from my practice of sitting meditation and my understanding of the empty mind. Sometimes my practice improves my understanding of the empty mind; sometimes my understanding from Dharma talks and sutra readings helps me improve my practice. I have also promised myself that I will work toward improving my practice so that it can develop into the realization that “the empty mind or Bodhi mind is my true, original nature.” Sometime ago, someone told me about a Zen saying which goes: “Beyond the mountains, mountains.” I have encountered many mountains. I have enjoyed conquering them. But I know that even as I sit on a mountain peak, other peaks will appear. Last Sunday, as we were chanting The Sutra of Forty-two Chapters, a phrase leaped out from the page: “Even with the Bodhi mind, it is difficult to realize non-cultivation and non-attainment.” Ah, yes. Another mountain. My journey continues.
) |